There’s a saying which goes: ‘There are none so blind as those who will not see’ and I think at one stage or another it can apply to all of us.

I like to think I am astute and emotionally intelligent, yet in my own life recently I have been victim to toxic behaviour because I was blinded not only by my deep feelings for someone but their perceived vulnerability (though I doubt manipulators are ever thus).

When we grow up in unhealthy environments we learn to ignore the dangers lurking in the shadows. To outsiders, my family unit appeared a happy, loving, supportive one – it was only when the doors were closed that abuse was allowed free reign. And although as a child I tried to tell outsiders what was happening I wasn’t believed or rescued, so in order to survive I had to learn to ignore the monsters in the woods even though I was acutely aware they were there. These life saving ‘skills’ then become imprinted and are difficult to unlearn as adults.

Unhealthy relationships aren’t entirely toxic, however. If they were few of us would stay in one. In romantic relationships they often begin with love bombing and making someone feel valued, prioritised and even adored. It is only when you are well and truly hooked that the manipulation begins. The other person controls the narrative and dictates the terms of the relationship. You are commonly ‘breadcrumbed’ – one day being the centre of someone’s world, the next pushed away, ignored or discarded often in favour of someone else. Your love is met with coldness, your desire for connection met with distance, and when this inevitably leads to feelings of frustration you are gaslighted into thinking that your very normal needs are unhealthy. The resulting confusion leads even the most intelligent people to doubt their own perceptions. When one comes from a background of trauma, where pacifying, people pleasing and walking on eggshells were the norm, it’s surprisingly easy to get sucked in and almost impossible to walk away.

While as children, or during times in which we are vulnerable, we may have no way of escaping abusive relationships, as adults we thankfully get to light our own path. We get to honour our pain, centre our needs and desires, live in truth and honesty, and have the freedom to choose who we love and who is undeserving of our affection.

When we are dependent on others for care, toxic people shape who we are. As adults they hold no such power. They can’t affect our peace or kind natures. Can’t command we join them in deceit or betrayal, anger or fear. Don’t alter our ability to love with every inch of our hearts and can’t touch the joy in our beautiful souls. We can hold space for them and whatever has made them the way they are, while continuing to hold ourselves gently and with grace.

More importantly we get to illuminate the shadows. The less there is darkness, the fewer places there are for monsters to hide.