We all get hurt in life, usually by people who cause us unintentional pain, who recognise they have caused us distress, make a heartfelt apology and then make amends for the damage they have caused. But there are also those who cause intentional pain which changes us forever and inflicts Soul wounds that take much work, and many years, on the part of the victim to heal (if indeed they ever heal at all).

Christianity, Islam and Hinduism teaches that people must forgive the sins of others in order for God to forgive us of our sins. Buddhism looks at forgiveness differently, as a wise act of letting go of anger to free oneself from suffering, rather than absolving others of their harmful behaviour.

I have suffered Soul wounds throughout my life. Parental abandonment, sexual abuse, domestic abuse, horrendous bullying for many years during which I feared for my life, being deceived and cheated on (which is abuse) and abandoned by people who supposedly cared for me at the absolute lowest points in my life when I really really needed them. The abuse of my Mum by her second husband contributed to her taking her own life. He also denied her dying wish to be with me, her child, when she took her last breath, then screamed abuse at me over her still warm dead body when I arrived to say a final goodbye to her.

For my own ‘sins’ I once broke a boyfriend’s heart when I was 18 by dumping him (although I ended our relationship as kindly as I knew how at the time) but other than that I genuinely can’t think of a single Soul wound which I have inflicted. I’m known for telling the truth, which may have hurt people who would have preferred for me to keep their secrets and lies, but being truthful is not a ‘sin’. Can my one ‘sin’ when I was barely out of childhood really only be forgivable by God if I forgive all the much more grievous sins committed against me? Is that justice? What kind and loving God would ask that of me?

When we have been Soul wounded our initial over-riding feeling is that of anger, a much misunderstood emotion. Anger is a protective boundary. It is our psyche’s way of saying “NO!”, you will not treat me this way. It is the ‘fight’ response to trauma, but is only ever meant to be a short-term defence mechanism. If we stay in the ‘fight’ response for extended periods of time our bodies, our minds and our emotions, eventually begin to break down.

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” author unknown, though mistakenly often attributed to the Buddha.

The biggest con, to me, by people who advocate for forgiveness of others is that we can’t move forward unless and until we forgive. It’s nonsense. With the right help it is absolutely possible to let go of the anger we feel towards people who have deeply hurt us but not forgive them. I am innately stubborn and I point blank refuse to let the dark hearts and Souls of other people change who I am. I refuse to let their nastiness make me bitter, resentful, unkind or frightened to love for fear of being hurt again. Nobody has that power over me. I can let my negative emotions towards others go without absolving them of their ‘sin’, which is effectively saying their behaviour was acceptable when it was not.

What if the person who has deeply wounded you takes accountability for their actions, offers a sincere and heartfelt apology and requests to make amends? I’ve never been in this position as not a single one of the people who have hurt me has ever apologised for their actions, but even if they did there is no requirement of me to forgive them. I can recognise their apology is sincere and still decide to not absolve them of the effect their behaviour had on me or want them in my life. Once you’ve been bitten by a dog you’re never fully relaxed around them again and if someone has the mentality and desire to purposefully hurt you the odds that they have fundamentally changed and will never hurt you again are pretty slim. Intentionally causing another person physical, mental or emotional harm breaks trust and once trust is broken it can never be repaired. Never. If we crumple a piece of paper then straighten it out again it will never be straight and will always contain creases. If an apology is being offered to solely make the person apologising feel better and there are expectations about being forgiven, rather than because the person is deeply sorry for hurting you, then it conditional and not a real apology at all.

In my Soul I know that no God would require an innocent child to absolve their sexual abuser of their Soul wounding violence so that they, in turn, can be forgiven for their own ‘sins’. Any religion who demands that is perpetuating abuse not demonstrating Divine love. Letting go of anger is necessary for our emotional and mental health but only when we are ready and that takes time and work.

I don’t forgive a single one of the people who wounded my Soul. But neither do I fantasise about revenge or spend my days wishing them ill. To be honest, I rarely give them a seconds thought because they are no longer relevant to my life. I have let go, but have neither forgotten nor forgiven.