I was having a conversation with my friend who’s been staying with me this week and she said “after everything you have lived through how have you managed to stay such a sane, strong, well rounded, kind and loving person?” and the answer is because I know who I am.

When I was horrendously bullied for years as a child I had two choices: either I internalised what the bullies were saying about me (“nobody likes you, you’re stupid/ugly/insert insult here”) or I did not. Luckily for me, I had a Mum who thought I was the best person to have ever walked the earth. I was told every day that I was beautiful, clever and unconditionally loved and this grounding helped me form an authentic self concept to counter-act the abuse from the bullies. Not everyone is that fortunate, I know, and some people have a parent who is the bully. If that person is you I send loving hugs.

I started dating as a teenager and all bar one of my boyfriends throughout my life have been flirts or cheaters. This could have made me feel like I wasn’t good enough but instead I was able to rationalise that someone else’s lack of moral compass and deceitful, controlling, manipulative behaviour has nothing to do with what’s lacking in me and everything to do with what’s lacking in them. I know what I bring to the table in a romantic relationship and if that is not appreciated by my partner then I’m happy for them to find someone who has less self worth and is willing to put up with their disrespect – that person is not me.

In terms of work, I put 110% into everything I do and have been head hunted by two companies over my working life for good reason. Again, I had modelling from an exceptionally hard working Mother who could turn her hand to just about anything, which is how I ended up single handedly renovating 4 properties. I also watched my beautiful and intelligent Mum grow frustrated and unfulfilled with her very confined small town life and vowed to not follow in her footsteps, which is how I ended up travelling around the globe hobnobbing with the rich and famous. I have a “few limits” mind set.

Despite being molested as a child and growing up in a house containing domestic abuse, I have refused to let that contaminate my heart or Soul. I’ve worked exceptionally hard through therapy at untangling myself from those experiences. My innate stubbornness will not let other people’s vile behaviour affect my ability to love or be loved. Nobody has that power over me and although misery loves company these unhappy people are going to have to find another scapegoat for their darkness.

I have very clear concepts of right and wrong. Abusers try to muddy the waters to make unacceptable behaviour seem acceptable and if you challenge their abuse they try to make you feel like you’re the one being unreasonable. In the face of this gaslighting it’s actually incredibly difficult to remain focused on how you should be treated and I admit I have, at times, loosened my grip on my self respect but in the end have always managed to find my way back to myself and my worth.

Despite being genetically wired to be highly empathic, being kind does not equate to being weak and I am the first person to stand up for both myself and others if the need arises. Even my own solicitor once said to me “I’m glad I’m on your side and not on the opposition’s”. I make a formidable opponent and am like a dog with a bone when faced with injustice. I have an inner strength which surprises people and am routinely under-estimated. This Warrior spirit is based on the belief that I am worthy of being treated with respect.

I don’t hold with the modern concept of having strong “boundaries”. When you’re in healthy relationships you don’t need to remind people not to hurt, deceive, abuse, take advantage of or disrespect you. What I do have are standards of behaviour and if those are standards are routinely breached then I’m happy to disengage from that situation or person. We can’t control other people’s behaviour but we can control our reaction to it.

I am well aware of my faults. I accept my limitations. I am not, and never will be, perfect and I’m definitely not everyone’s cup of tea. But at the end of the day I genuinely like who I am and how I move in the world.

When you know, and like, who you are you possess unshakeable self belief. The behaviour of other people towards me can still be painful on a heart level but has absolutely no impact on the core of who I am on a Soul level. I try my best to treat others how I wish to be treated, but if a battle is brought to me I will fight with the strength of a Lioness. I am both yin and yang.

If we’ve been brought up to be humble and self-effacing it can be challenging to say that we have self love. It can feel like we think we’re somehow better than other people or are being boastful. But when we value ourselves we stop looking for outside validation, which fosters inner contentment, and when we know our intrinsic worth we can be the steadying anchor in our relationships.

We, and we alone, decide who we are and if there is a part of ourselves we don’t like or find unacceptable we, and only we, have the ability to change it.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha