Abuse is a huge topic which nobody can do justice in a blog post, but having been subjected to abuse of various forms throughout my life it’s a subject close to my heart.

None of us are perfect and we will inevitably do things to hurt other people. This is usually subconscious and not deliberate and when we realise our behaviour has been harmful we apologise, make amends and most importantly don’t repeat the experience. However, abuse is different. Abuse is a sustained pattern of chosen behaviour during which the abuser feels entitled to harm others in order to exert and maintain control over them.

Being abused changes us in a fundamental way. It wounds our Soul and as our Soul holds the essence of who we are this wound can arrest our spiritual growth.

There are various types of abuse: childhood, sexual, domestic, social, workplace, and abuse can be physical, emotional and/or psychological.

Myth: Hurt People Hurt People

For decades there has been a popular myth that people who experience trauma in childhood can repeat this trauma in adulthood. In other words “hurt people hurt people”. However, this is not born out by scientific data.

Not all abused children go on to abuse as adults and not all people with severe pathology such as Cluster B personality disorders experienced childhood abuse. In the case of Borderline Personality Disorder, for example, only 1/3 experienced childhood trauma, which leaves 2/3rds which did not.

As advances have been made in genetics and brain imaging, research has shown that some people are genetically hard wired to abuse because their brains are under developed in areas such as empathy and morality and their brain chemistry is predisposed to impulsivity and emotional disregulation. Then there are people like me, who suffered severe abuse during childhood yet are genetically hard wired for high empathy and resilience.

The development of abusive adults is actually more nature than nurture.

Myth: It’s Your Fault

Here is something I wish all abuse victims knew – it is never your fault. NEVER.

Abusers choose to abuse. They know physical and sexual assault are illegal. They know deceit is wrong or they wouldn’t hide the truth from you. They know cheating is wrong or they would tell you about the other people they are seeing. They know ghosting, blocking and the silent treatment are controlling, manipulative & painful – that’s why they do it. Abusers abuse because it benefits them and their behaviour is never your fault, much as abusers love to tell you differently in a process known as projection. You cannot make a person be cruel, deceitful, manipulative or controlling and nothing you could ever do could justify being physically, emotionally or psychologically abused.

“Well, you picked him! (or her)”. While this only relates to romantic relationships or friendships, it simplifies abuse. All abusers are lovely when you first meet them, or they’d never be able to find a partner or make friends. In fact, many abusers initially use a tactic called love bombing to create an intense bond and the abuse begins slowly and gently so is easy to brush off as someone just having a ‘bad day’. The mask of normalcy most abusers wear often only drops once you have fully committed to them and they know you are trapped, for example when you move in together or have children.

“Why don’t you just leave?!” This is easy to say when you are not in the situation, however there are many and varied reasons why leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult, and in some cases impossible, to do. Children, for example, have no choice other than to stay in abusive families and many women, particularly with children, may not have the financial resources to leave an abusive partner. Some abusers threaten to kill their spouse if they try to leave, or threaten to hurt children or pets. There can also be complex psychological dynamics at play, such as trauma bonding which actually changes the brain chemistry of abuse victims making leaving as hard as trying to kick a heroin addiction. In one of my own experiences, I had to suffer abuse from a step-parent because I was the Legal Guardian for my very disabled Mum and she lived with him. Sometimes we stay because we’re embarrassed to leave – embarrassed to admit we’ve made a mistake, embarrassed to admit we’ve stayed with an abuser for years, embarrassed we’re lost our self respect. We could stay because our Church tells us we should. Then, of course, there is the fact that most of us love our abusers because they’re not always abusive.

Myth: You’re Abusive Too

If we’re being physically attacked we may retaliate. If we’re being screamed at, we may scream back. If, as children, we are neglected and left to our own devices we may go ‘off the rails’. If we are dealing with someone’s addictions we may become frustrated or have to practice ‘tough love’ for the sake of our own emotional and mental wellbeing. If we’re suffering workplace abuse we may have to report this to HR. If we’re suddenly discarded or ghosted we may seek out our abusers for answers as to what is going on. None of this is harassing or abusive behaviour by us, it is a normal human reaction to being abused.

There will be smear campaigns to destroy your reputation and credibility so that if you report the abuse nobody will believe you. There will be lies told that you are the abuser, especially in Family Courts or legal proceedings. The abuser will absolutely make themselves out to be the victim and not the perpetrator.

Abusers lack accountability and will try to make you feel that you are either wholly, or equally, to blame for what’s happening in your relationship, but you are not.

Sex Differences

Abuse happens to children of both sexes and to adults of both sexes. However, the dynamics at play differ between the sexes.

Rape is a male only crime in the UK, and 97% of all sexual crimes are committed by men. In abusive relationships men can and do sexually assault their partners and when I got married in 1989 it was still legal for men to rape their wives. Sexual coercion is a tool used by abusers who can manipulate their partner into having sex when they don’t want to, or with-hold sex and physical touch as a form of control.

Physical violence can also happen in same sex relationships, and while women can physically assault men, the majority of physical abuse is men on women – it is 3 women who are killed by men each week in the UK in domestic abuse, not 3 men killed by women. For women in abusive relationships the threat of escalation to physical assault, which can be life threatening, is always present.

Conclusion

As I said, it’s impossible to do justice to the complex area of abuse in a blog post. Abuse changes who you are as a person, particularly if it happens in childhood but also if you’re in a long term relationship with an abuser. We all know that physical and sexual assault are abuse, but emotional and psychological abuse can be equally damaging in its own way and is much harder to detect.

Having suffered various forms of abuse throughout my life I can say, with hand on heart, that it is possible to over-come abuse and to re-find the person you were always meant to be but it’s not easy. Expert therapy is needed for as long as it takes and trust me when I say not all therapists are equal. The first therapist I saw when I was with my coercively controlling ex-husband actually sided with my husband because he was an excellent manipulator – most experts on narcissism warn to never go to couples therapy with a narcissistic partner as it is not helpful and can even facilitate abuse. But solo therapy, when carried out by a therapist who is right for you can be life changing.

Abuse creates deep Soul wounds that can be carried over into other lifetimes. I believe we create Soul contracts with other Souls before we embark on a lifetime to heal wounds created by trauma (my current therapist is one such Soul for me – it was no coincidence that she became my therapist) and there absolutely is karma for the abuser. They, too, have the chance in each lifetime to heal not only the Soul wounds they’ve inflicted on others but their own Soul wound, created when they abuse – whether or not they take it is down to ego and free human will.