Human Beings are wired for connection. When I was bedridden for a decade and spending 23, often 24, hours a day lying in bed alone I understood why solitary confinement is used as a form of punishment. It was tortuous and I honestly thought I would die from loneliness.

But just because we are in company doesn’t mean we are not lonely. I also felt intense loneliness during my marriage and have often felt lonely in a crowd.

When we talk about loneliness what we’re really talking about is lack of deep connection.

I’ve spent much of my life feeling lonely because I was surrounded by people I didn’t like, whose values and interests I didn’t share, who didn’t understand or know me, who didn’t excite me intellectually, who were as emotionally deep as a puddle, with whom there was no energy connection and/or who made me feel emotionally (and sometimes physically) unsafe. Then two years ago my life radically changed. My remaining parent passed away and I was able to rid myself of a toxic step family. Long standing but unsupportive friendships were let go. I moved away from aggravating, at times bordering on aggressive, neighbours. And a whole new chapter of life began.

I’ve just had the most beautiful two weeks, starting on the Sunday before last spent with a friend. Easy, relaxed company where we shared our souls’ journey, our thoughts on the Big Questions and came to new understandings of our past relationships.

This was followed last Tuesday by a day with a new friend. We share an interest in property, eco housing, the environment, sustainable living and the valley in which I live. He was so kind and, despite having a long drive from Wales the day before, drove another 70 miles with me to collect some fencing in his van 🙏🏻

On Thursday I made afternoon tea out on my lawn for some old friends, who were celebrating their Golden Wedding anniversary. They were two of the very few people who were unwavering in their support of me during my Mum’s illness and the ensuing family abuse we both suffered.

On Friday I had lunch with another old, but very dear, friend who has supported me for over a decade. Our conversation is always interesting and I feel safe in his company.

Then Sunday was spent in Harrogate at a social gathering of the Monroe Institute, where I had some stimulating, sometimes challenging but always fascinating conversations about consciousness, time, space, spirituality and psi.

On Wednesday I was in Keswick for lunch with a friend from my Camera Club. She is a fellow Highly Sensitive Person and it’s lovely to be able to talk about our experiences of having sensory processing sensitivity. For example we both cut all the labels out of our clothes as they irritate our skin and were both bothered to distraction by the lights in the cafe, the chat of other diners and a barking dog!

I have had the most beautiful connections 😊

It would be impossible after all the self development work I’ve done in recent years for me to go back to shallow, unfulfilling relationships. Meeting other people with the trait of High Sensitivity has been a revelation. Not only do we share our sensitive traits, but many HSPs have a thirst for knowledge and are on a similar quest to me for personal and spiritual growth. Most are open hearted, empathic and giving people who understand my need for ‘down time’ and to retreat into quiet environments where my nervous system isn’t too stimulated. They understand when I say I’m going home at 7pm, getting in my pjs and into bed! And for that I am grateful.

I appreciate that I am blessed. I was in a position to be able to walk away from my toxic family. I am not sharing an office for 8 hours a day with people I can’t stand. Not having to commute on a packed underground or living in a city with the constant sound of traffic outside my windows and neighbours to the left, to the right, below and above. I have lived that life, or at least one similar, and am so thankful I am now of an age to be able to choose a different path.

I have built a space which balances my highly sensitive needs for alone time (which doesn’t necessarily mean solitude and could be having quiet time in the arms of a partner) with my human need for connection, but on both an emotionally deep and intellectually stimulating level. It’s been a long road and I am grateful to finally be on the right track 🙏🏻

We are not all alike. Although we all need connection, we don’t all thrive from the same types of relationships. It’s OK to admit you’re not surrounded by the right people for you and you want something different. Our time here is short and precious – honour your needs.

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” Bobcat Goldthwait