I loathe the woke word ‘boundaries’. The only humans who need boundaries are children, who need to be taught right from wrong. Grown adults should already know and don’t need to be reminded by their partner, friend or work colleague.

We all know that physical assault (including groping and inappropriate touching), cheating, lying, manipulation to get ahead or assert control, raging (which can scare the person on the receiving end), disrespect, breaches of trust, calling people names, flirting when in a relationship, the silent treatment, stalking, ostracising, smearing a person’s reputation etc etc are wrong. We take part in behaviour like this knowing it’s wrong and hurtful, which is why abuse only takes place behind closed doors and not in the fruit & veg aisle in Sainsburys.

When we enter into relationships we negotiate terms. In work situations we have Codes of Conduct which we all need to abide by. In friendships there is a, usually unspoken, agreement that we will keep our friend’s personal information private, be kind and supportive and we negotiate the amount of time we will be in contact or spend time together. In romantic relationships we negotiate what we consider is appropriate contact with the opposite sex, usually state that trust and honesty are vital, discuss how best to tackle areas of conflict, how often we will be physically intimate and the scope of that intimacy, and again negotiate the amount and type of contact which will form the foundation of our relationship. None of this is boundary setting. Instead it is the normal negotiating of the terms of our relationships.

Boundaries are personal rules and limits you set to protect your emotional, physical and mental well being and here is where I have a problem. You should not have to remind your spouse not to physically assault you. You should not have to remind your friend not to tell your secrets to all in sundry. You should not have to tell your work colleague that commenting on how tight your bottom looks in your trousers is inappropriate. You should not have to tell someone that turning up an hour late for a meeting is disrespectful. And if you do, I guarantee these people will not honour your boundary because they are already telling you that your feelings are irrelevant to them.

I personally have base line standards of behaviour that I expect from the people in my life. I don’t need to tell anyone what they are because healthy people don’t need to be reminded to treat me with kindness and respect and toxic people will ignore them regardless of how well, or how often, they are stated. If the standards I set for a relationship are breached there are consequences for that breach. I used to talk endlessly with people, explaining how their behaviour had hurt me and how I felt, only for them to repeat it 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years later. These days if my basic standards are not met I simply say “this doesn’t work for me” and the relationship is over. I’ll still be polite but we won’t be spending any more time together.

That’s not to say that there won’t be conflict in relationships. We’re humans not robots and conflict is a normal part of any healthy relationship. But having the occasional bad day, snapping at your spouse then apologising is not the same thing as secretly texting another man or repeatedly sending your partner to Coventry for hours or days on end.

Your friends, work colleagues and spouse are not children and you are not their parent. It is not your job to police their behaviour or keep them in check. You are also not their therapist and it is not your job to try and understand why they’ve acted badly, to unravel their childhood trauma, deal with their Mummy or Daddy issues or to manage their emotions. If they need therapy they should pay for it with a trained professional, though of course you can support them in their journey.

We treat people how to treat us.