This post is totally unrelated to photography, but after mentioning how attractive creative and highly sensitive people are to narcissists in this post I’ve had several discussions about the topic and wanted to explore it in more depth here. Grab a brew, this is a lonnnnng post.

There are various sub-categories of narcissists but I think most people come across either overt or covert (aka vulnerable). I’ve had experience of both types, though I do think it’s more likely that creative and highly sensitive people are going to be drawn in by covert narcissists rather than their brash, loud, bragging, overt counterparts. Consequently I’m going to cover vulnerable (covert) narcissism in this post through the lens of a romantic relationship, although I’ve also experienced narcissists within my family and workplace. Narcissists can be men or women, though I shall use the word ‘he’ throughout as my relationship was with a man.

What Is Covert (aka Vulnerable) Narcissism?

People use the term ‘narcissist’ these days to mean anyone who braggs, is a bit overbearing or who cheats or doesn’t behave well in a romantic relationship, but the term actually refers to a Personality Disorder. We all have narcissistic traits which are completely normal and healthy (very young children are egocentric for example, but will outgrow this as they mature) but people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have clinically identifiable traits which separate them from the healthy population.

Both overt and covert narcissists possess, essentially, the same traits but coverts hide their dark personalities because they want people to like them. Their reputation is extremely important to them. They are often highly intelligent and have jobs in positions of power and influence, or become spiritual leaders, charity workers or even therapists.

My covert narcissist ex (n-ex) was a Widower who had been married for 40 years. I assumed this would mean he was stable, loyal and used to being in a healthy relationship but I was wrong. It is common for covert narcissists to be married for decades but the relationship will always contain abuse: there is a YouTube video on this subject here (make sure to read the comments section).

Covert narcissists (CNs) are usually very likeable and can be shy, gentle and/or introverted. Mine was initially hugely vulnerable with me which built trust. They are giving (often doing volunteer work) and appear humble and kind. It is usually only the person who gets to know them intimately who sees their destructive traits. The rest of the world, including ironically therapists and marriage counsellors, see the facade. CNs rarely have any deep friendships and are never single for long.

Narcissistic “Supply”

If you read anything about narcissism you will hear the term narcissistic “supply”. This refers to anyone who provides the narcissist with the validation which they seek. In the case of covert narcissists this is adoration, loyalty, a home, children, praise, excitement, sex, wealth, status or anything else which meets his needs and makes him look successful, stable and a ‘great guy’ to the outside world.

They do not feel love or empathy in the way most people do. They can imitate love and empathy but trust me when I say they don’t feel either. Their relationships are deeply transactional. They will stay with you so long as you are providing that which they need and discard you without a backward glance when you are not.

This doesn’t mean that CNs don’t have emotions. They have incredibly strong emotions, especially anger. But they can’t empathise with your emotions or feel what you are feeling and without this they couldn’t care less about you.

The Narcissist Abuse Cycle

All Covert Narcissists follow a 3 stage cycle of abuse, although it begins subtly and it can take years to fully play out.

1. Love Bombing (aka Idealisation )

My first date with my n-ex lasted for 6 hours. We both disclosed all sorts of intimacies about each other, discussed our early/childhood traumas and afterwards I received a text which simply said “WOW!”. I felt like I’d met my soulmate. I was bought flowers. He remembered my favourite snacks. We shared books and music and poetry. We had sex very early on and which was like nothing like I’d experienced before.

However, for a CN this is just a fishing exercise. They rush emotional intimacy to get you hooked and learn all about your vulnerabilities and the things which are important to you so that they can play on them and use them against you later.

2. Devaluation

Once you are reeled in and have strong feelings for the CN the devaluation begins. This can take many forms, but for me it included arranging to see me then cancelling at the last minute. Not wanting to see me as much (“I think once a month is normal”). Taking hours to reply to text messages. Subtle criticisms (“I like what you’re wearing today” – in other words I didn’t like what you were wearing yesterday). Talking about his ex-girlfriends to make me jealous. Telling me I was “too much” or “not enough”. Denying me physical affection. Flirting with other women when with me. And a whole host of other behaviours designed to chip away at my self-esteem, confidence and worth.

The thing is, the devaluation is intermingled with the love bombing. So they will be praising you one minute and criticising you the next. Telling you they love you while texting another woman. Saying they can’t wait to see you, then cancelling as they’ve received a better offer. These mixed signals are crazy-making and designed to be so.

3. Discard

Discard follows devaluation. Discard can be actually breaking up with you, or it can be much more subtle. Days or weeks of the silent treatment, or making it known that they are pulling away emotionally which leaves you anxious and wondering what you’ve done and how to reconnect. My n-ex and I were out for lunch one day when he said to me “I don’t know whether to carry on with the dating sites or just stay single” – we’d been in a relationship with each other for months!

I was discarded 5 times in the first year and twice in the second. Different excuse every time (and sometimes no reason given at all) but they all came out of the blue when we were getting on brilliantly. I was immediately blocked on his phone so I couldn’t contact him. As time went on the discards got more brutal. During the last discard my n-ex screamed at me in the street “tell me what the fuck I have to do to get rid of you and I’ll do it!” – this despite 48 hours earlier telling me he was “excited for a future with you” and I was his “soulmate”.

The effects of such cold abandonment from someone you think loves you is like a death and incredibly painful. They know this of course.

Hoovering

There is sometimes a 4th element to the abuse cycle from a covert narcissist, and this is called ‘hoovering’. After the discard the CN may obsess over you. Stalk your social media. Send you random text messages then block you again. ‘Bump’ into you in the street. They don’t want you, but they don’t want to see you happy or moving on without them either – their enormous ego simply can’t take the fact that you could be fine without them.

My n-ex never hoovered. Although he admitted to obsessively thinking about me and stalking me online he also said he would never have got back in touch with me in case I rejected him. Their egos are very fragile.

Instead, after each discard I was always the one to get back in touch with him and reconnect, usually because I was worried he was depressed, isolated or lonely! The fact I kept going back to a man who had treated me like crap shows just how strongly I was affected by the abuse.

Effects of the Abuse Cycle

This love bombing, devaluation and discard cycle leads to what is called a ‘trauma bond’. The highs and lows of the push/pull lead to ‘intermittent re-enforcement’ and messes with brain chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. You literally become addicted and might as well be trying to detox from crack cocaine.

I am not a stupid person. In fact, I’d say I am more emotionally intelligent than most yet for 18 months I simply couldn’t see the abuse and, despite the concern and warnings from all my friends, ignored the massive red flags.

Leaving a covert narcissist is incredibly difficult. I once stayed away from my n-ex for 5 months and I grieved the entire time like he’d died. The end for me finally came when, for the first time, I saw his narcissistic rage and realised he wasn’t at all who I thought he was and I was being abused.

Traits of the Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist

Mirroring

Covert narcissists do not have a strong self of ‘self’ and this leads to Mirroring. From early on my n-ex mirrored my language, mannerisms, hobbies and interests. This made me feel like I’d found someone who really ‘got me’. We talked for hours and hours and hours. It’s one of the ‘hooks’ they use to get you emotionally invested.

However, it was merely an act. CNs are chameleons, who change to suit whomever they are with. When he was with me he was a spiritual, yoga practising, meditating Buddhist who loved home baking, nature and the mountains. But when he was with his other romantic partner (who I didn’t know existed) he was a mass attending Catholic who loved shopping, eating out and the “vibrancy” of the city.

Rage

CNs have a lot of rage inside. Although he tried to hide it well my n-ex was moody, critical and irritable. I didn’t, however, see his rage until the day of his final discard. Trust me when I say it is all there under the surface just waiting to come out. I found myself walking on eggshells trying to appease him and not to say anything which would set him off.

Lying & Cheating

CNs are adept at lying, yet come across as dependable and trustworthy. They are known for being unfaithful while professing loyalty and fidelity.

My CN looked me in the eyes and told me there were no other women in his life. I later discovered he was still in touch with his previous girlfriend and had been in a romantic relationship with another woman since before we even met. He also spent months being active on dating sites and met up with over a dozen other women.

He told me someone he was close to was undergoing chemotherapy and was probably terminally ill with cancer. I then saw pictures of them on a backpacking holiday in Switzerland and realised she was fit as a Butcher’s dog 😲.

Along with the overt lies to your face are the lies of omission. I was told my CN was going on a retreat holiday to Sardinia because he needed a break – what he left out was that he was going with another woman.

Humiliation

Narcissists humiliate you in an infinite number of ways. One is to flirt with other women. My CN and I were out walking his dogs in my village one day. A middle aged woman was coming towards us on the other side of the road also walking her dog. My CN and the woman locked eyes and continued to eye each other up until she’d walked past us. Incredibly disrespectful to me and humiliating that he was acting like I didn’t even exist.

Criticism

As many regular visitors to my website know, I’ve just spent 18 months renovating a house single handedly while suffering from a brain tumour. My n-ex came to the house, but instead of being interested in the renovations, offering a hand or telling me how well I was doing he stuck his finger in a flower pot in the garden, declared “this needs watering” and told me “I can’t bare seeing plants thirsty”. This was designed to imply I was lazy but, note, he didn’t offer to help and water the plant himself!

Projection

I once discussed the frequent discards with my n-ex and asked what was going through his head when we were apart. He told me he initially felt relieved (which I never understood at the time though makes more sense now I know he was living a double life), then that was followed by longing for me, obsessive thinking about me and feelings of bewilderment and betrayal. Note the word “betrayal”.

I was never once unfaithful to my n-ex. I was not the one raging at him, discarding him, blocking him or subjecting him to weeks/months of the silent treatment. In fact, I always did everything I could to smooth things over, understand where he was coming from, love him, care for him, reach out and to heal any rifts. What I didn’t know, of course, was that he was in another relationship and was projecting his ‘betrayal’ on to me.

Listen to what your CN is accusing you of, because what they’re actually telling you is what they themselves are up to.

Mixed Messages & Words Not Matching Actions

This was crazy making and one of the biggest tells I was in a relationship with a CN.

I was constantly told we “weren’t in a relationship” then my n-ex would act like my boyfriend in every way. I was told he “saw a future with me” then he started looking at houses to buy 300 miles south. I was told “I don’t see a future with you” then he started looking at houses to buy in my village. I was told “I think of you all the time” but then I was given the silent treatment, blocked on his phone and unable to contact him. I was told “I am massively sexually attracted to you” then punished if I said I wanted to kiss him or have sex. I was told he was in love with his other supply and not me, then told his other relationship was shallow and we had a special soul connection he’d never felt before.

It’s so confusing and genuinely makes you question your sanity.

Emotional Disconnection

Despite appearing on the surface to be vulnerable, open, loving and caring there was always a void within my n-ex. Something always just felt off. I always felt like he had a wall up and no matter how hard I tried, or how much I loved him, I simply couldn’t get past it.

He once told me that he could never cope with seeing his children cry. He said something to me one day which deeply hurt me and I started to cry. Instead of apologising, cuddling me and comforting me he said robotically “it’s OK, you can cry” then just sat there watching me. It was the most bizarre experience and not something any empathic or emotionally available person would do.

He was simply unable to deeply connect on an emotional level or feel emotions in the way most other people do.

Flying Monkeys

This term often comes up when talking about narcissists. This, for me, wasn’t an issue in my relationship as my n-ex (unbeknown to me) kept me a secret from his friends and family so we didn’t have acquaintances in common.

However, I experienced flying monkeys with my overtly narcissistic step-sibling. He smelled an inheritance when my Mum became ill at the end of her life and tried to manipulate himself into a position of control over her finances. But instead of abusing her (and me) himself he used flying monkeys, in the form of his Wife and Dad, to do his dirty work.

When I started singing like a Canary about the abuse, he and his flying monkeys then began a smear campaign against me which is a very common tactic of narcissists. Their only option was to poison everyone against me so that I wasn’t believed, and to give them their due it worked a treat.

Taking Credit For Your Ideas

My n-ex did this all the time. I’d say something like “you weren’t emotionally ready for a relationship for the first year after your Wife died”, then a couple of months later he’d say “I wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship after my Wife died” like he was the one who had come to this conclusion. It really was most bizarre!

Withholding Praise and Recognition

I remember sending my n-ex a newspaper article about my being awarded an Honourable Mention in last year’s International Photography Awards. Instead of responding with a “that’s brilliant, well done!” he texted to say “being as though you’ve sent this to me I assume you are proud of yourself”. They can’t seem to celebrate your successes in the way you might expect.

Sabotaging Special Days or Events

My n-ex discarded me the week before his birthday last year. He then discarded me 5 days before my birthday. This year, he discarded me the week of his birthday (but only after I’d given him his presents) and again discarded me before my own birthday. I also remember him telling me that his previous girlfriend had fallen out with him because he didn’t send her a Valentines Card or offer to take her out.

I have no clue what this is all about, but they seem to love to ruin special occasions and it is, apparently, a common trait. Yet woe betide you spoil something which is special to them. My n-ex took part in an Ultra-marathon last year. I’d only been out of hospital for 3 days after my brain tumour diagnosis and still couldn’t see out of my right eye so couldn’t drive. Yet he berated me for not seeing him off at the start line, saying “I scanned the crowd to see if you were there and felt abandoned when you weren’t”.

Strings

My n-ex offered to strim part of the garden for me in my new house, did the first cut on the lawn and helped me move the greenhouse. However, this help came with strings attached. When he was moving house he told me “it’s your turn to do something for me after everything I’ve done for you”. This just highlights the transactional nature of their relationships.

They Use People

My n-ex, knowing I am very empathic and that he couldn’t access his feelings, once asked me if I could teach him how to be more emotional. I asked him if this was so that our relationship could be deepened and his reply was “me being more emotional will benefit all my relationships”. He was actually in another romantic relationship (which I didn’t know at the time) and was using me to deepen his connection with the other woman.

Drama

I’m naturally a calm, level person who wakes each day with joy and cultivates a peaceful life. Yet my n-ex caused so much drama I could now write a soap opera about our relationship.

We would have a lovely chat on the phone, then an hour later I’d receive a text from him raging at some perceived slight which usually ended with me being ghosted or dumped. He would start a fight for absolutely no reason, break up with me, then accuse me of causing drama.

In the end, he admitted that I was the calm water and he was the storm and simply told me that a peaceful life was boring and he needed the excitement of chaos. It was utterly exhausting and made me go many days unable to eat and many nights without sleep.

Sex

I’m not going to go into details of my sex life, but suffice to say that CNs use sex as a weapon. Mine initially love bombed me using sex to create intimacy and connection, then totally with-held physical affection and made me feel like there was something wrong with me for wanting to hold his hand or kiss him. After the initial love bombing stopped I was always the one to initiate any kind of physical contact. This was, of course, deliberate. We all need physical touch, especially in romantic relationships, and he used this to punish and control me.

I’ve heard other people say that their n-ex wanted sex all the time or that sex became robotic and unemotional. Covert narcissists, of course, are notorious cheaters and are often having sex with more than one person at a time.

Gaslighting & Cognitive Dissonance

Covert narcissists distort the truth all the time in a manipulation tactic called gaslighting. I remember the last time my n-ex discarded me. His opening line was “someone has sent X a letter about me. I think it was you”, but I could prove it wasn’t me. A few minutes later he said indignantly “I never said it was you that sent the letter!” to which I replied “Are you insane? It was your opening sentence!”.

The other way narcissists gaslight is by blame shifting. The first year of our relationship I was treated appallingly, yet my n-ex refused to take responsibility or apologise. In the end he said “we both made mistakes. You were just too much and at times I simply needed a break from the drama”. I then found myself apologising if my (normal and healthy) emotions had been overwhelming for him and blamed myself for the fact he had dumped me 5 times (the actual reason, I now know, was that he was in another relationship and wanted to spend more time with his other supply!).

This distorting happened so much in our relationship it made me question my reality and I stopped trusting myself, my memory of events and my gut instincts. Gaslighting causes cognitive dissonance and is used by the CN to keep you confused and off-balance. In my case, it’s even worse when you bare in mind I have a brain injury which affects my short-term memory. That my n-ex would play on that by confusing me even further just shows there is no low to which they will not stoop.

They Have No Desire To Know You

When I met my n-ex he had recently lost his Wife and I had recently lost my Mum. I learned all about my n-ex’s Wife, the events leading up to her death, the aftermath and the effect on the n-ex’s children. Yet after being in a relationship for a year and a half he hadn’t even asked me what my Mum’s name was, let alone a single detail about her life, death or the 2 years of abuse I suffered afterwards at the hands of my step-family.

Getting to know me didn’t interest him.

False Apologies

Covert narcissists really struggle to apologise because that would mean they have to admit they are not perfect and that threatens their grandiose sense of self.

After my n-ex discarded me out of the blue the week before my birthday, leaving me alone with a newly diagnosed brain tumour, I asked him to apologise for abandoning me when I needed him. So he said “I apologise if you felt that way” which in no way takes accountability for his callous behaviour. These types of non-apology are common with CNs.

Secrets

Covert narcissists are highly secretive. I remember on one of our early dates I was trying to get to know my CN so asked what his days were like. He replied moodily “I feel like I’m being interrogated!”.

His social media accounts were completely locked down. I wouldn’t be surprised if he uses fake accounts online to spy on his sources of supply. Despite being in an 18 month relationship he never gave me his email address. It was a whole year before he showed me a single photo of any of his children or grand-children.

He would never leave his mobile phone unattended and always placed it face down on the table so that I couldn’t see any alerts or notifications.

He admitted to being highly suspicious of others. He naturally assumed that because he had so much to hide everyone else was hiding stuff too.

Compartmentalisation

My n-ex admitted he kept all his balls in the air by compartmentalising his life. His relationship with me was in one box in his head, his relationship with his kids in another and his relationship with his other girlfriend in another.

He has texted me to say goodnight while lying next to his other girlfriend in bed 🫤

He could switch from one box to another box at will, changing personas depending on who he was with. He told me his other girlfriend had noticed that 24 hours before he was due to leave her to come home he would start switching off his emotions – this was because he was switching personas into the one he wore with me. He could remember my favourite flowers, and his other girlfriend’s favourite books. He called me one pet name and his other girlfriend another pet name.

I can barely get through the days just living my one life, so the fact he lived his life in triplicate still astounds me!

Triangulation

Another term you will hear when talking about narcissists is that of triangulation. In my case, once he was secure in his supply my n-ex told me he was in another romantic relationship and told his other girlfriend that he was seeing me. He could then control us both. If I stepped out of line I knew he might discard me for the other woman, and if she stepped out of line she knew he could discard her for me.

He also talked quite a lot about his ex girlfriends and would get all gooey-eyed reminiscing about their positive attributes and all the things they had in common. It was designed to make me feel insecure, especially when he also told me they were still in touch.

Future Faking

My n-ex dangled the carrot of a future with me constantly. Whenever he could feel me getting fed up of his procrastinating or hinted I might end our relationship he would tell me that he saw his future with me, that I was “worthy of marriage”, that he loved me and that we would be together “forever”. But this “future with me” never came with a timescale.

There was always an excuse why we couldn’t fully be together now. His children weren’t ready for him to be with someone other than their dead Mum; he needed to sell the family house and didn’t quite know where in the country he would end up living; he knew he wasn’t emotionally available so needed to ‘work on himself’ through therapy……the excuses were endless.

Moving On

My n-ex lead a double life for a year and a half. In a relationship with me in the north of England and his other supply in the south. Neither of us knew about each other for a very long time.

That he could switch off his feelings for me when he was with his other girlfriend, and switch off his feelings for her when he was with me, shows he didn’t have feelings for either of us.

Narcissists don’t discard you unless they have another supply to go to. It’s rare they are single. They leave you in a broken mess, devastated and crying on the kitchen floor, and instantly wipe you from their memory. The same day you are dumped they are going out for dinner with their next victim like you never even existed. They don’t miss you. They don’t grieve for you. While it can take months or even years for you to get over the relationship, they have moved on within hours.

They never loved you because they’re not capable of love. They don’t love the new person either. They might marry them and stay with them for years, but that doesn’t mean they’re faithful or that the relationship isn’t abusive.

You Were Chosen

You are a creative, probably highly sensitive, person. You are naturally empathic, compassionate, caring, kind, trusting and nurturing.

You are intelligent, responsible, reliable, loyal, honest, self-reflective and resilient.

That’s why you were chosen. The CN needs someone who tries to understand them. Who isn’t naturally combative. Who looks at themselves, rather than them, to see if they are at fault for issues or drama in the relationship. Who trusts others because they themselves are trustworthy and so are easy to lie to. Who aren’t naturally suspicious so are easy to manipulate and control.

I’ve come to look upon being chosen by a narcissist as a compliment. Mine admitted to me that he was drawn to my beautiful heart, brilliant mind, poetic soul and deeply loving nature – all the things that he was not. I know he wanted to be just like me, but he was incapable. Instead he tried to destroy me to make me like him. I’m just glad he didn’t succeed.

Conclusion

As much as they like to fool you otherwise, covert narcissists are not emotionally available and are incapable of a deeply connected, honest, loyal, vulnerable and caring relationship. They are deeply controlling and manipulative and any relationship is about them and them alone. Your needs, wants and feelings will be ignored and your trust completed eroded.

The only healthy course of action is to leave the relationship. I can say from experience that this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life and it took me 7 discards and a shed load of abuse before I managed to stay away from my n-ex. It was vital that I had therapy to re-build my emotional health.

Relationships with narcissists are abusive. If you are the friend or family member of someone in an abusive relationship please don’t blame the victim for not leaving or for going back if they do leave – to do so is to blame an abuse victim for being abused.

There are complex and primitive emotional dynamics at play, including trauma bonding and Stockholm Syndrome. My n-ex learned all about my childhood trauma then used that against me, causing deep wounds. Abuse victims know something is ‘off’ in their relationship, whether they admit it to themselves or not, and don’t need blame or condemnation. Instead, support them until they are ready to leave, or if you are the victim of narcissistic abuse educate yourself on what you’re dealing with.

If you are searching online for words like “narcissist, abuse, gaslighting, bread crumbing, discard, devaluation, cheating, deceit, lying” you are not in a healthy, loving relationship. Narcissists are incapable of love, deep connection, care or empathy in the way you and I are.

Therapy

I would strongly advise not going to therapy or couples counselling with a narcissist. My n-ex had grief counselling after his Wife died and his middle aged, attractive, female therapist was so enamoured by him she actually did a Podcast where she described him as “exemplary”. No clue he is an abusive, lying, cheating narcissist who has left a string of devastated women in his wake!

CNs will put on a great show for a therapist, appearing invested, empathic, caring and desperately wanting the relationship to succeed. What they won’t do is tell the therapist how they are lying, deceiving, manipulating, controlling and cheating on their partner or driving them slowly insane. And if you try to explain what’s happening it will sound so petty that you will start doubting yourself all over again.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not a response to childhood trauma or emotional neglect (that’s a myth and even if it were not I was abused as a kid and I’m not abusive or a narcissist). NPD is genetic. It cannot be cured. People with NPD abuse you because they want and choose to – it works for them.

Therapy will, though, benefit you as an individual if you find a therapist who is well versed in covert narcissism, narcissistic manipulation and trauma bonding.

I wish you love and light in your journey.

Further Information

The following is information which I’ve personally found helpful. When reading about narcissism make sure you separate overt from covert narcissists – although they have commonalities they are very different beasts.

Books:
The Covert Passive-Aggressive Narcissist by Debbie Mirza
Weaponised Love by Paula D’Arcy
Traumatic Cognitive Dissonance by Peter Salerno
The Nature & Nurture of Narcissism by Peter Salerno

YouTube:
Lisa Sonni is the victim of narcissistic abuse and now a relationship coach and speaker on abuse recovery. I like her down to earth style.
The channel by Raw Motivations. Ben Taylor is a self-aware diagnosed covert narcissist and his videos are eye opening!
HG Tudor is also a narcissist and has an interesting take on the categorisation of narcissists, whether or not narcissists know they are narcissists & their behaviour – don’t let his anonymity and bonkers accent put you off.
Dr Ramini is one of the most popular doctors on YouTube talking about narcissists and narcissistic abuse.
Richard Grannon is a British psychologist and a survivor of narcissistic abuse. He is very analytical of narcissism and a bit marmite – you either like his style or you don’t.