There were a lot of secrets in our family when I was growing up. Secrets about paternity, addiction, physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse. And in order to keep secrets you have to lie. To pretend to the outside world that everything is normal and you are part of a loving, happy family. Those lies are a heavy burden for a child.

As an adult I have been cheated on by partners and being on the receiving end of lies is devastating.

The purpose of lies is always control. The person lying controls the narrative of your life and the lives of those around them. Abuse always contains lies.

As an adult I abhor lies and try to be as honest as I can possibly be in all things. Lies change you forever. If a person you thought you knew and loved could lie to you, or force you to lie to cover for their abuse, it makes you distrustful of everyone. Lies also rob you of autonomy – it’s impossible to make decisions about your life if there are facts about which you are unaware.

Liars are adept at presenting themselves to the world as ‘nice’ people. Trustworthy people. Kind, caring, empathic people. It’s not like they go around with ‘I’m a liar’ tattooed on their forehead and most of the people in their lives believe they are honest, having no clue they have been lied to or that there are secrets about which they know nothing. But here’s the important point – liars lie because they are behaving in ways that would hurt you. But instead of stopping the hurtful action they continue with it because they want to and then they lie about it. Nobody who loves or cares about you behaves like that.

Trust and honesty are the cornerstones of a healthy, loving relationship. Without them there is no relationship.