Our very survival as a species depends on us being part of a tribe. Of being connected. Physically we need each other for vital resources such as food, shelter and protection, and emotionally for love, safety and belonging. We also cannot reproduce alone or look after ourselves when we’re young, sick or disabled.

To be ostracised from our tribe is one of the worst things that can happen to a human being and affects us mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It can be literal death. Studies have found that being ignored activates the same brain areas as physical pain. The evolutionary theory behind this is that rejection is painful because social acceptance is built into our survival mechanisms.

We all occasionally need space in our relationships. I myself have said during an argument that I needed time out because we were both becoming overwhelmed or frustrated, but it was clearly communicated to my partner that I would resume the conversation the following day and wanted resolution. There is a vast difference between this healthy time out during conflict and using the silent treatment to abuse.

My ex-boyfriend used silence to punish me. Whenever I said something he didn’t like he’d fly into a rage, dump me and immediately block me so that I couldn’t contact him. It was hugely controlling behaviour, through which he exerted dominance and power.

Bullies use ostracism to abuse their victims. They also encourage others to alienate the victim, often by way of a smear campaign of lies. This is particularly noticeable in schools and workplaces and can make life unbearable for the person who has been sent to Coventry. It is happening with increasing prevalence online, where it’s easy to block someone and exclude them from peer groups and whole communities or use social media to smear.

My step-Father would, on a monthly basis, fly into a rage (usually because his football team had lost) and subject my Mum and myself to the silent treatment for days at a time. He alone would then decide when he deemed it an acceptable time to speak to us again and would expect us to act like nothing had happened. Very controlling and abusive behaviour.

When a parent abandons their child and either cuts contact completely or contact is sporadic or unreliable it can be deeply wounding. Parents are supposed to be a child’s anchor, their safe place. Children can also internalise parental abandonment to mean that there must be something fundamentally wrong with them for their parent to not love them (make no mistake, no parent who loves their child abandons them). It is highly damaging and the impacts can last a lifetime.

Being shunned strikes at the very core of who we are. It is essentially implying that we are not worthy of acknowledgement or connection, acceptance or kindness, love or belonging. It can also be traumatic and frightening if we’re vulnerable due to age or ill health. It is inhumane treatment which ‘others’ the person being ignored. A passive-aggressive manipulative abuse tactic with the sole purpose of punishment and control.

The one thing it is not is loving or kind.