We are bombarded with messages every day that we are not enough. That our life as we’re living it is not enough.

We’re missing out on the latest shiny new stuff. Exotic travel. Wild adventures. We should give more to others and our communities through volunteer work. Our children need more interactions, more interests, more education, a full after school programme. We should drink more water. Eat less sugar and red meat. Eat more veg and fruit, but only if it’s locally grown, organic or fair trade. We should be thinner or more muscular. We should look young even when we’re old. We should be glued to the 24 hour news cycle so we’re informed about both local and world events, even though we can do very little about either. We should exercise more. We should have more ‘me’ time. We should be in touch with our feelings. We shouldn’t be too emotional. We should be financially secure but it’s morally wrong to have too much money. We should read more, but only if it’s proper books you can sit dustily on a shelf once you’ve read them. And on and on………..and on. Just writing that has made me feel stressed, overwhelmed and inadequate.

For decades I lived a life which made me unhappy. I took care of everyone else’s needs at the expense of my own. Did what made everyone else happy but not myself. Barely ate and exercised like a demon to fit society’s definition of what a woman should look like, which made me physically ill. Worked in a job I hated, but which paid well so I could buy the stuff I was told would make me happy. I even went on a holiday I didn’t want to go on to keep another person happy and it almost cost me my life, while his carried on afterwards without a blip. I didn’t feel able to say “no”.

This may be a sexist thing to say, but I think women in particular struggle to say “no”. I’m sure there are complex reasons for that which are deeply rooted, but guilt at saying “no” has plagued me all my life. Possibly because when we finally do have the courage to say “no” women possibly more than men are denigrated for it. It’s more acceptable for men to be self focused whereas women are expected to focus on family and community first and themselves last.

I said “no” to a Father who abandoned me as a child and have been made to feel guilty for not giving him (yet) another chance. I said “no” to trying to look at 50 how I looked at 20. Said “no” to false nails, false eyelashes, impractical trinkets and heels which crippled my back and was made to feel I’d let myself go or wasn’t feminine enough. I said “no” to being physically assaulted by my step-family, then was told I must have done something wrong for them to abuse me. I said “no” to being bullied and was treated like I was the perpetrator and not the victim. I said “no” to being cheated on and was blamed by my partner because he, and I quote, “wanted my cake and eat it”. And on and on.

But my “no” wasn’t up for debate. No is a full sentence and needs no further explanation other than “that doesn’t work for me”. I can’t control other people’s reaction to my “no”, which is their business not mine.

In having the courage to say “no” I opened up space to say “yes”.

Yes to loving my body which has survived nearly 60 years against all the odds. Yes to comfortable elasticated waistbands and flat trainers. Yes to the wisdom and confidence of middle age. Yes to caring about animals and not wanting them murdered for food – not because of the health benefits to me but out of kindness to them. Yes to healthy, supportive and loving relationships where both parties are equally valued. Yes to self care. Yes to rest. Yes to being a ‘home body’. Yes to my expansive emotions. Yes to recognising and honouring my own needs. Yes to my sensitivity. Yes to living without fear. Yes to speaking my truth. Yes to my tranquil, simple and beautiful life.

Our worth does not hinge on how we fill our days or how well we meet family and societal expectations. How many friends we have or how many Instagram likes. How many offspring we produce or how many volunteer roles we take on. What car we drive or how many foreign beaches we’ve sat on. We don’t tell a week old baby, who can’t do a thing for itself or anyone else, that they are worthless. We love them merely for existing and bringing their Light into the world.

Saying No leaves space for your Yes and allows your Light to shine.