This is a very long post. Grab a brew!

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender and is a psychological manipulation tactic used by offenders, toxic or abusive people to evade responsibility and shift blame onto their victim.

Deny: The perpetrator denies that the harmful behaviour or event happened.
Attack: The perpetrator attacks the person confronting them, questioning their behaviour, credibility, sanity, or motives (sometimes includes threats).
Reverse Victim and Offender: The perpetrator then flips the roles, claiming that they are the actual victim and portraying the real victim as the aggressor.

I’ve had a recent experience of classic DARVO with someone I know. They’re not a friend, but we attend the same community group and have always gotten on well. Last month they asked if they could come and spend a few days with me as they were heading up into Scotland on holiday in their camper van, but wanted to stop off for a week in the Lake District. They made the request at the last minute, on a Wednesday evening when they wanted to arrive on the Saturday. I had a busy week planned, but I rearranged my schedule at the start of the week to accommodate their visit though explained they may have to fit around my plans towards the end of the week. I also had plans to go out Saturday night as I was helping to cater for a birthday party, but said I could spend the day with them beforehand. This is what happened next:

Friday

• I was told their camper van had been broken for some time, but they’d spent all day working on it and it was fixed. They’d definitely be coming up to the Lakes the next day and had booked a camp site near to where I live.

Saturday

• I was expecting them to arrive early Sat morning as they knew I was going out at 5.15pm. By 4pm that afternoon they had not turned up or contacted me.
• I had to text to ask what was happening & was told they wouldn’t be coming as their son was ill. Their son is 19 years old, and I later learned wasn’t physically ill and was in the house with his Mum who was more than capable of looking after him.

Sunday

• They turned up 10.30am Sunday. We chatted for a bit then went out for lunch. They had a large plate of scampi, chips and veg.
• They said they wanted to visit a stone circle in the afternoon, but then said they hadn’t brought a jacket with them so needed to go and buy one. Before coming to Cumbria we’d discussed the fact that rain was forecast all week. Why would they not bring a jacket?
• I suggested Go Outdoors in my local town but they insisted on a 30 mile drive elsewhere to visit a particular shop.
• We spent a whole hour in the shop, they tried on every jacket available before finally buying one. I was bored stiff.
• They then wanted to continue shopping, which they could do anywhere, any time and with anyone. It’s not something people usually want to do in the Lake District National Park, an area of outstanding natural beauty. I said no as that’s not what we’d planned.
• They told me they did need to go to a supermarket for food. Why would they come on a self catering holiday and not bring food?
• We sat in a 45 min traffic jam to get to the supermarket. I then spent a boring 45 mins on my own in the car while they shopped. We then spent 45 mins in a traffic jam to get out of town.
• We only spent 20 mins at the stone circle as it was 5.30pm and I was getting tired. I have serious health issues which they knew about and usually don’t schedule activities late afternoon as my energy dips. We returned home.
• On the way back they asked where they could go for dinner. I said I’d make them something at home but they wanted a full cooked meal. They’d just bought 2 bags of food and had eaten a large cooked meal for lunch – why did they need another one? I said there weren’t any takeaways in the countryside and they said it was fine they’d brought a curry with them and could have that. They’d previously said they had no food with them which is why we’d needed to visit the supermarket.
• I’d earlier been told they had already made plans for a zoom call to a friend in America on Monday night so wouldn’t see me but were free in the day. I thought it was odd they’d arrange to visit me while already having other plans, but didn’t say anything. I’d had plans to help a friend on Monday, but had rescheduled when this person said they were coming to visit me.
• I asked what time we were meeting up on Monday and was told they had now made plans to zoom another friend on Monday morning, so wouldn’t be free to see me at all. I felt disrespected and a bit annoyed but let it go.
• Unbeknown to me because I wasn’t told, they were having further issues with their camper van.

Tuesday

• I woke early Tuesday morning to see a missed call on my phone from them at 1am. Unless it’s a medical emergency, it’s rude to be calling someone in the middle of the night. They said it was a “mistake” because they’d kneeled on their phone. If this were true, would they not ring the last person they spoke to that night, which wasn’t me?
• We are both very early risers, so I texted them at 7am to ask what their plans were. They replied at 8.30am saying they were just up as they’d “had a late one”. Why would you stop up til 2am alone, in the middle of nowhere, knowing you had plans to meet someone the next morning?
• I suggested they come to my house between 9.30am-10am. They said they needed breakfast and a shower. IMHO there was plenty of time for that in the next 60 to 90 minutes.
• By 10am they hadn’t arrived and hadn’t contacted me.
• I texted to ask what was happening and was told their camper van wouldn’t start so I said I’d come and pick them up. The van was clearly not in good working order. Why would you set off on holiday with a vehicle which clearly needed to go to a garage to be properly fixed?
• When I arrived at the camp site they weren’t washed, dressed or breakfasted. I sat in the car for 45 mins while they took a shower and got dressed – it takes a 5 year old less time.
• I have healthy expectations for the way I wish to be treated so I said I needed to speak to them. I explained that we’d agreed to meet between 9.30-10am, not 11am, and I would appreciate it if they could keep to our agreed meeting times. They said we hadn’t made any firm plans and couldn’t understand why I was upset. I think requesting to visit someone is making firm plans and agreeing to a meeting time of 9.30-10am is making firm plans. However, I let it go again.
• We drove to a cafe and during the drive I asked them what work they did. They spoke for 1 hour 20 mins, giving me their entire work history, during which time we arrived in the busy cafe. The waiter came over 3 times to take our order and my companion didn’t even look up. On the 3rd visit I could see the waiter was annoyed. At 1.30pm I was so hungry I told them we had to place our food order. They ate a large burger in a bun, chips and salad.
• Over lunch they told me that they’d shared private, negative (and incorrect) information about me with another group member. I calmly explained that was unacceptable.
• They told me they were separated and that I was their ideal woman. It made me uncomfortable as I’d never expressed any romantic interest in them whatsoever. Later in the conversation they let slip that they still sleep naked in bed next to their spouse. They still live together and eat together. So they’re not, in fact, separated at all.
• After lunch we went to visit another stone circle at their request. It was drizzling but they had no jacket on. I asked where their new jacket was and was told they were taking it back.
• I was told they’d have to cut the visit to the stone circle short as they’d ordered a part for their camper van which they needed to collect from town. So we had another unscheduled shopping trip.
• They said they also needed to go to Go Outdoors to get more camping gas. Why would you not buy gas before going on a camping holiday?
• They couldn’t remember what fitting was on their bottle, so enlisted the help of a staff member. One boring hour later we left without a gas bottle.
• I was asked on the way home where they could get some dinner. I again offered to make them something but they wanted another cooked meal, less than 4 hours after the last one and with 2 bags full of food in their camper van.

Wednesday

• I was supposed to be driving us the 70 miles to the community group we both attend on Wednesday morning. At 9.40pm Tuesday night I received a message to say they couldn’t fix their camper van and wouldn’t be going.
• Weds morning before I set off, I reminded them that I had plans I couldn’t change during the day on Thursday and also Friday morning, but was free in the evenings and after 2pm on Friday. They replied they’d probably set off for Scotland before the weekend but didn’t state a day or time.
• I went alone to our community group and heard nothing from them all day.
• Tired, at my worst time of day health-wise and after a nearly 2 hour drive, I still called in at the camp site on my way home. They were not there. They had upped and gone without saying a word.
• I texted and asked where they were. At Keswick shopping was the reply.
• They didn’t come back and I heard nothing further from them for 8 days.

Following Thursday

• I received a text over a week later, saying it must have been odd that I’d not heard from them but that they’d needed some time alone. They’d been on a camp site in Keswick the entire week.
• I replied it wasn’t “odd” it was rude and disrespectful and I felt hurt.

Last week

• I received a text last Monday asking if I was going to our community event on the Wednesday. I replied yes and they said they’d like to meet for a chat beforehand.
• We arranged to meet at a cafe at 11.30am. The group event starts at 12.30pm.
• I arrived at 11.20am and texted to say I was there. No reply.
• By noon, 40 minutes later, they had not contacted me or turned up.
• I made my way to where our community group meet and they were already there chatting with the two group leaders. I was furious and it showed. However despite my anger, although with voice shaking, I calmly said “I thought we were meeting at 11.30am at the cafe” to which they said that the traffic had been bad. I said nothing more, turned around and went to another room.
• They didn’t speak to me the entire afternoon.
• I received a text apologising after I got home, saying them being late was due to traffic.
• I accepted their apology but said I wasn’t hurt because they were late as they’re not responsible for traffic delays, but that they were a passenger in the car and should have texted or called me to let me know. Then when they arrived they should have come straight to the cafe instead of blanking me. I said I didn’t want to discuss it further or see them outside of the group any more, but was happy to see them in the group and we should just move on.
• They apologised again and I thought it was behind us.

DARVO

• The next morning I received an email telling me I was no longer allowed to attend a group they ran, I had to immediately remove myself from the groups Whatsapp. That my behaviour towards them was distressing and causing them “torment”. I’d grossly overstepped the mark by scolding them in front of others the day before (I’d done no such thing). They had to “protect” their group from me (despite previously asking me to be the group leader for the north of England and me having a lovely relationship with the entire group). They wouldn’t “tolerate this behaviour” from me. And when we attended the same community group they would not interact with me in any way. They were going to let the group leaders know this and why. I had to never contact them again. Etc. etc, you get the drift.
• To say I was stunned at this unprovoked rant is an understatement. But I wasn’t surprised. Their behaviour during their visit had been controlling, self absorbed, entitled, disrespectful, rude and confusing. I’d discovered they’d shared private and incorrect information about me to other(s) without my knowledge or consent, which had negatively affected how one person viewed and interacted with me (I’d been puzzled for 2 months as to why this person was suddenly being odd with me!). To now be showing DARVO tactics on top and hinting of a smear campaign with the group leaders was very, very familiar.
• I contacted the group leaders and explained the situation, who responded calmly and reasonably as I knew they would.
• Just a few minutes after sending me this distressing message, this person was on our community group making jokes. It’s important to keep up their ‘nice person’ persona in front of others. I imagine, however, that behind the scenes, the smear campaign to discredit me has already begun. That’s simply how these kinds of entitled, manipulative, controlling people work.

During every interaction with this person, no matter how upset or disrespected or hurt I’ve felt I’ve remained calm and polite. I tried my very best to accommodate their needs when they were visiting me, even though due to my own health issues that often meant my own needs weren’t being met. I was clear about how I expect to be treated. I was willing to accept apologies when they had behaved badly toward me and to move forward. It’s never enough though. These kinds of people love chaos and drama. They need the dopamine hit to function.

I now have to decide whether I want to continue attending the community group, which I love, with this person or not. I’m thinking probably not, which is a shame but my emotional safety comes first before a hobby.

I’ve been asked why my life is so insular and it’s because of constant, repeated situations like this often from men who have wanted a romantic relationship with me but to whom I’ve said no, after which they go from idealisation to devaluation real quick. It’s exhausting to have to live like this, with emotionally immature and unhealthy people. But sadly, for the most part, that’s the way of our world. I at least recognise it now for what it is and that it has absolutely zero to do with me.

I share this to show how control, manipulation and DARVO works. It’s incredibly confusing and makes you doubt your own perception of events. You question if maybe you’re being too demanding, too harsh, not ‘kind’ enough. You are being kind enough. They are not.