I was chatting to a middle aged friend the other day whose boyfriend is ‘future faking’ her. When they first met he told her he wanted to get married again, but 3 years down the line they’re not even living together let alone in a fully committed partnership. This is called ‘future faking’, ie reeling someone in with a vision of the future which you have no intention of keeping.

If you are in a romantic relationship with a healthy person who is emotionally available and able to deeply love and connect, they will want to commit to you by either living together or making plans to marry.

If they don’t they are telling you:

• they are not emotionally available
• they are still suffering from childhood or previous relationship trauma
• they are keeping one foot out of the door and continuing to look for someone ‘better’
• and/or they want to maintain their independence which is code for “I want to be in control of our relationship, when I see you, when I don’t and how much I am willing to make you a part of my life”.

I make no judgements about any of the above, I’m merely explaining what is really being expressed.

When you are deeply in love you want to share your life with your mate. You want your partner’s face to be the first thing you see each morning and the last thing you see each night. You want interdependence (which differs from codependence). You don’t want your partner to be 1000 miles away on a solo holiday when you’ve had a bad day or something awful has happened. You don’t want to be slotted into your partner’s diary, like you’re a dental checkup or a car service. You don’t want to settle for a text message goodnight, instead of being wrapped in your partner’s arms. You don’t want to eat meals or attend events alone – you did that when you were single. Making a committent excites you, it doesn’t scare you half to death.

If you meet someone new when you’re older there will, of course, be practical issues especially if you don’t live round the corner from each other. But staying weekends at each other’s houses isn’t enough when you’re deeply in love with someone and you take whatever steps are necessary to merge your lives together. As a woman who chose not to have children of my own, taking on someone else’s kids and grandkids is daunting but when you love your partner you will do whatever it takes to become part of their family (and vice versa). Is it easy? No. Is is do-able? Absolutely.

If someone tells you from the get go that they don’t want to marry or live together, take them at their word – it’s then up to you whether that’s enough or if you feel like you’d be settling.

Most people, though, when they find the right person want to commit. It’s just that simple.