Abuse is about two things: control and entitlement. Abusers feel entitled to have their needs met, regardless of how detrimental that may be to their partner, and use control in order to facilitate this entitlement.

You were chosen

Abusers target their victims. Some people say “no way, my abuser isn’t intelligent enough to be that manipulative” but intellect has nothing to do with abuse. In intimate relationships in particular, from the first date an abuser is weighing up whether or not you’re a decent prospect as a long term victim.

A good target is someone who:

• Is self-less and will put the needs of the abuser before her own (I’m using male for the abuser and female for the victim but of course men can also be victims of female abusers).
• Is empathic and will try to understand the abuser and why he’s acting the way he is.
• Is self-reflective and will look at what she may be doing to cause the abuser to act the way he does (spoiler alert: nothing we say or do causes other people to abuse us).
• Is honest, so it won’t cross her mind that the abuser is being deceitful.
• Is a ‘fixer’ and thinks her love will heal the abuser.
• Is loyal and won’t quit when the abuse escalates.

Just as the intellect of the abuser is irrelevant, so is the intellect of the victim. She could be intelligent, confident, assertive and successful and also be kind, self aware, empathic and loyal, all of which make her an excellent target.

Abusers hide their real selves from the get go and can often pretend to be open and vulnerable. This allows the target to also open up, allowing the abuser access to her thoughts, hopes, fears and vulnerabilities which he then uses to control and manipulate.

Why a victim is discarded

I have all the qualities listed above, so on paper make an excellent target for an abuser which is probably why I was initially chosen. However, when I met then married my abusive ex-husband in my early 20s I was in therapy working through my childhood trauma, and when I dated my abusive ex-boyfriend in my 50s I was receiving grief counselling following the death of my Mum and co-current abuse from her Husband. I was actively working through trauma and, with the help of my therapists, was able to recognise the abusive behaviour of my romantic partners. I have also always innately been emotionally intelligent with a healthy level of self worth, neither of which are ideal qualities in a long term abuse victim.

I was accused by both men of causing “drama”. What this meant in practice was that I challenged their control and expected them to take accountability for their appalling behaviour, neither of which are acceptable to an abuser. I was consequently discarded.

Why a victim is kept

Both men then went on to have long term relationships with their next partner. They chose their victims more wisely and made sure that no matter how appallingly they behaved their partner would stay.

As well as all the beautiful qualities in section 1 above, the one thing that makes someone a good long term victim for an abuser is that they lack self worth. That’s a difficult thing to say because it sounds like I’m blaming the victim, but I whole heartedly believe it is nevertheless true. I kept going back to one of my abusers over and over again. I lost sight of who I was. What I didn’t realise is that the abuser designs the relationship to make you do just that.

My ex boyfriend’s long term partner is wealthy, attractive, vivacious and confident. She also knows that my ex physically cheated on her with me for several months (I didn’t know she existed), then later had an emotional affair with me (he initially didn’t tell me he was still in the relationship). He strung along another ex of his for an entire year, flirted with any woman with a pulse and was active on several dating sites all while in a relationship with her. She’s also just found out from me that ever since we broke up nearly 1½ years ago he’s been obsessively stalking me online, even while they were on a romantic holiday together abroad. He moved to live nearer to her on the understanding they would live together and eventually marry, yet 15 months later they’re still living apart – not only that, but he’s recently bought his own house. And, yet, despite the lies, betrayals, cheating, disrespect, lack of accountability, broken promises, lack of empathy, care, remorse, conscience and love she stays.

The reasons people stay in toxic and abusive relationships are complex and I’m not going to go into trauma bonds here, but at the end of the day if someone’s self worth is strong they wouldn’t put up with this kind of appalling behaviour. My ex has chosen well.

How do you avoid becoming a target?

I’m not a psychologist and it’s not my place to tell other people how to live. All I can write about are the lessons I’ve learned from my own experiences.

Looking back with the benefit of hind sight, the red flags were there in each relationship from the get go.

One of the things abusers do first is test the waters to see how you’ll react. My ex-husband eyed up a woman on the next table at dinner all night on our 4th date. I pulled him up on it and said if he carried on I’d leave, but I should have broken up with him then and there because he was telling me from the start who he was and the contempt with which he was going to treat me. My ex-boyfriend told me on our first date that he liked women who were “feminine” because his Mum wasn’t. I was renovating my house at the time and was wearing jeans and a jumper (not least because I’d moved just 3 weeks before and all my clothing was still in boxes until the house was habitable) and he made me feel unattractive and ‘not enough’. Again, I should never have agreed to a second date because he was already showing me that he was going to try to rob me of my self esteem.

What I should have born in mind is:

• Love doesn’t hurt
• Love isn’t confusing
• Love never makes you feel like you’re ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’
• Love doesn’t betray you
• Love makes you feel safe

In addition:

• When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time
• The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour

These days, at the first whiff of criticism, disrespect, manipulative or controlling behaviour I’m out the door so fast my feet don’t touch the ground. I wish the same self worth for you.